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Chronicles of the Ex-Part 1
Are you engulfed by them?
Nothing scares couples more than the presence of an Ex in either one’s life. Let me just bring in my philosophical self here to explain what "Ex" is. An Ex is a person that once used to be. Simply that! Well, a bit too vast, perhaps. A person that was once in a relationship with someone and no longer is in that relationship is an Ex to that relationship. Even if they may currently be involved in another relationship. In short, being an Ex is not a label that someone carries everywhere except only in a person's life that they have exited.
Now you will agree with me when I say nothing scares or worries your current more than your ex and here are the reasons why.
1. The Ex Improved
Have u ever noticed that it is easier to talk to your girlfriend after you break up than when you still are in relationship with her. And vice versa! Well, at least for most people, that’s the way it is.
There is a certain stereotype that almost all relationships seem to fall below. They want to play the roles of the relationship rather than relate. The boyfriend wants to ‘boyfriend’ (so to speak), the girlfriend wants to ‘girlfriend’ and same goes with husbands and wives. They forget to be there for the relationship. In most cases, they never really even get to know each other better. Can’t even read properly each other’s body language.
When the relationship is over and they have gone their separate ways, they meet as friends. With this change of ‘play stage’, they meet with a new freedom in an atmosphere that is not dependent on them to fulfill duty or play any roles. They get to know each other and appreciate the person they never got to know during the relationship. They laugh and criticize each other from a realistic and yet unbiased and selfless standpoint. The very thing their relationship needed to blossom but was never developed while they were together, finds manure to flourish. With this missing link found and integrated, they accept that maybe they were not so bad after all. This is the point at which most couples get back together. And if they had moved on and formed new relationships, they are most likely to begin cheating on their currents with their EXs as ‘friends with benefit’. If they are not strong and faithfully attached to their current relationships, that would be the death of another relationship. That is why the Ex is alien to any relationship.
The knockout: If your lover is close to their Ex as good friends, this might be a good point to start worrying! Well, they had a relationship and have just found an opportunity to build on what they couldn’t from inside. The only chance you have of surviving the pending re-engagement is if you by far, have developed your relationship better than they ever could or even can. Remember ‘ni munda wakudala’ (an old field-which is easier to plow again)
2. Till it’s gone
Have u ever noticed that couples are put separation to help recover lost flares of romance! Generally the idea is that when you are with someone, you never really see them for who they are and appreciate them for what they mean in your life! A loved quote that I see on most ladies’ info pages on Facebook reads "while you abuse your girl, there is someone out there who treating her special". Kind of freaky eh! It’s usually kind of hard to notice the difference that someone makes in your life when you do not look at your life from outside the box. When they are gone…as in really gone, it exposes your own half empty world to you. Without them, you feel the emptiness, the space, the vacuum. You realize how special your lover was. A foolish heart will force itself to ignore this and try to move on, a broken one will try to fix it by trying to patch things up with the Ex - hopefully it won’t be too late by then.
This process works most with actual breakups. So, I am sorry to the fellows on separation, but I think separation is a waste of time. When you are on separation, your partner is not really gone, you are still tied to them and you know when they are coming back, your little grudges and hates linger when you think about them and realize that you have not really been rid of that. You haven't lost your partner so you are not really experiencing life without them. While it is true that "distance makes the heart grow fonder", only true distance creates a vacuum in someone’s heart. Only desperate couples who wish for their lovers to come back and fulfill their roles get back via separation. You know, coz there is no one to cook at home or coz the children need their daddy kind of reasons... Nothing like, "i miss... and can't live without... coz I realize I am a wreck without...life has not been the same since you left."
Anyway, let’s get back to the discussion.
The knockout: This aspect of someone realizing that they actually need and can’t live with the person they broke up with can be a danger to the current relationship because you never know when your lover might wake up realizing that the person he/she needs is the one that they are no longer with. The Ex!
3. Still tied by reason
When there is more than one thing that brings a couple together, it is very hard to be rid of each other after the breakup. Let’s say that the two used to be business partners and you cannot do without that person because your business relationship far exceeds any arrangements you can make with anyone else. The Ex-lover might consider not risking the business by virtue of the breakup. Therefore, the Ex will be kept close. Life has it that we tend to eventually grow fonder of the person we spend more time with and many lost lovers have been regained via existing indispensible existing connections and new ones found that way too. It is not really about how disciplined or focused you are, the heart has a way of growing into things and people and eventually, the person you despised becomes your lover because of time well spent.
The knockout: This is one thing no current wants to be faced with. The thought of the lover spending time with the Ex even just for frequent business arrangements can send a possessive lover into cardiac arrest. “Coz you never know!” If this is your situation, you have a lot to endure, probably might have a lot to lose if your lover is not careful! And if you are the lover spending time with your Ex continually, know that it is killing your relationship coz it hurts your current.
4. Was formally introduced to family
Sometimes, the previous relationship might have hit rocket heights and the lover you replace was introduced and accepted by your lover’s family. It is difficult to compete with that because someone else has set a standard for weighing the rest of you. You find that the nieces, nephews, etc. of family will constantly talk about your lover’s Ex. They probably even get excited when they see them together. Chances are the crowd may finally gain the sweeping emotions of your lover and wash them back into the arms of the Ex. This is where you really need to get someone who is sure of what they are doing and can stand by you and for you no matter how rough the weather may get on you! These are rough waters to roll.
The knockout: You really need a lover who really loves you to survive this one! And if you are the lover who is facing this popularity pressure from family concerning your Ex, you need to shut them up and promote your current as the more special girl/guy in your life! Stand up for what you chose and treasure it!
SO FAR
There are a lot more ex factors and situations. You can add your own examples to this list. Yes, the Ex is a source of a lot of couple contention. People fight over EXs than other things simply because an Ex is a guaranteed source of your current relationship’s failure. Remember, the two have been where you are before; they have shared a bond that cannot be broken or gotten over. That is why they call it moving on when your relationship ends and you get someone else. With time eventually, you get used to living without them and focus your strength on your current relationship. Some people truly leave marks in our lives that cannot be erased. Whichever way life goes for you, practice living in the moment, don’t wait till relationships are over before you begin to build them. If you make the best of your current relationship, you will not need to have an ‘Ex’ problem, coz your current will not turn into one but will become your forever.
This discussion is far from over, If u have been in a previous relationship before meeting your current, you will agree that the major concern if the present is 'how did you breakup?'
Coming up next, we explore types of breakups and how they can affect your next relationships!
This is only a preview copy. Extensive and helpful material is available in the complete “Chronicles of ‘The Ex’ series” by Zack Rowliv KM (Coach)
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© Zack Rowliv Kasalu (Family life and Youth Coach)
